Happy 36th

January 16th 2018.....another year.... another missed birthday.

Thirty six years old....happy birthday sweetheart.

Birthday message

January 16th, 2017
Happy 35th birthday Rachael

 

Wherever you are in this world, know that in my small part I still think of you every day.


I love you and only want the best for you...today & forever.

MUM

xxxx

Happy birthday

So today is your 34th birthday, and its one more year in which you have been absent from my life.
I wonder how you will spend the day....who will share in the celebrations and if you are truly happy.
Thirty-four years....and yet I can still recall each moment leading up to your arrival into this world....as if it were yesterday.
Well Rachael, there's not a whole lot I can say except to wish you a day filled with happiness and good times...may everything be as you want it sweetheart....love you still, with all my heart.
Happy Birthday

Mum

Time is running out

I often set scenarios-
Each one with that 'perfect ending', a better result.
But I'm sure you see more, now at 27.....that life really has NO rules, and we each survive by our own means. Church, work, friends/family....they all have connections to how we feel and what keeps the person going. Perhaps I'd stopped a future, before trying to ....




Rachael....it is now 2015.....another six years have passed since I began with this last post.
In this time I have moved house and lost my father....your "pop".
I have also witnessed your move onto the stage, and as happy as I was to see that you had managed to fullfill a dream, was equally saddened by how you portrayed your life at home. But, in saying that to you, I am also aware of how different our views are, and am not about to dispute. Ive lost far too much time now as it is and even though your words were hurtful, I will continue to "hope".....because that's truly all that remains now...and my love. Just today I was going through my cupboards whilst doing a cleanout, and came across a diary I had written many years ago. Inside these pages was a history of "us", and we were happy....what happened to us Rach?? I couldn't bring myself to read anymore, just too sad, so I began looking at all the other items I had stored away. Do you remember the "Logie" award that you made, or that funny clay head-sculpture?? These are just a few of the things I treasure...and always will.
There were old school books (a couple courtesy of school library) paintings and cards.
Apart from what photo's I salvaged from destruction, these items are all that remains of you in my life, and that of your little brother.
There's really nothing more to add, except to tell you I have never stopped loving or missing you Rachael. Regardless of what you may think, (or have convinced yourself) not a day goes by that you don't enter my thoughts...and my prayers.
May God keep you safe, and may he someday open your heart just enough to realise life is much too short to live life with hate. Each year that slips by is just one more year closer to the end.
Stay safe Rachael....love your mother xxxx

I've also been searching high & low for that tape you once gave me, think it was eithr a birthday/mothers day gift?? Anyhow, so you know, there are still songs that remind me of you...each one so dear to my heart, and this is just one.

Please listen....

What can I say, that hasn't already been said??
How much longer can this go on? I know how this affects me...but it's not just me, that suffers. Others who love you sweet girl, ache inside and long for answers.

Should you ever read this Blog, I pray you absorb every word for they're all written from my heart, nothing in-between.

This blog was created, purely so that one thing be made perfectly clear to you......I have ALWAYS loved you, oh so much more than you could ever possibly fathom. There was only ever you and I until your brother came into the world, and then, it was just us three. Those who would fill your head with other words cannot begin to know, they were not in our life, for they had their own lives.

Those who did surround us, loved us. They were there always to protect and defend, not to destroy!
God is what keeps me strong, and I pray you'll listen, when He whispers to you!

God Bless this child

The hallways finally fell silent. My room was now empty, maybe tonight I'd slip into deep slumber? I knew my time was drawing nearer but had managed to put that excitement aside, another girl would cry in pain, only one room away, a friend, a mother-to-be.

The shuffling of squeaky shoes, nurses shoes. The 'sister' on duty and also on her toes! Moments later I too woke, but not with pain, a strange warmth beneath me, and I was lying in it. The sheets and my nightgown, soaked! A clock somewhere told me I'd awoken right on midnight, and the shuffling now returned, this time the shoes ran towards me! The sister's orders had to be repeated to the young nurse, she, like me thrown into a strange panic! "I hope you don't lose anymore water Debbie" words that found their way into my muddled mind, telling me that it was now, my turn! "Get her a wheelchair, she won't be able to walk!" Had I suddenly lost all use of my lower limbs??? Why would I need to be wheeled up to Maternity? "I'm not ready yet!!" words that returned laughter, the only words I recall shouting as the journey began.....By 6am, I was asking questions to any nurse who would listen, "Where is my husband? Has anyone called him? He works night-shift and..." The nurse in attendance more interested in giving instructions to the oxygen mask, but it only gave her grief "You're not doing it right!" her frustration now annoying me. Finally, a familiar and friendly face appeared at the foot of my bed. "Hello Zebbie" His accent always made me smile, I had the best doctor any girl delivering her first baby, could ask for. He was gentle, kind and very patient. He knew all the right words, and as the hours dragged on,{ the pain nothing I'd ever imagined & without any of those 'classes', definitely unprepared!} my fears grew....it was not at all what I had pictured, but the midwives assisting my doctor stuck by me through it all. At 22, I was still a baby, about to become a mother. She finally arrived, at 4.34pm and not without a bit of drama! Seconds before she came into the world, the baby suddenly decided to turn over, face down! What does all that mean? What's wrong? Had she remained in that position, she would not have received any air, no oxygen...but she made it! And within seconds of her arrival, I heard her cries, my just as proud gynaecologist holding her up to show me, "IT'S A GIRL ZEBBIE!!" then placed this little newborn person upon me, her two little arms clinging to me.....she was mine. The midwives needed to clean her and wrapped her in a soft blanket, returning her to my out-stretched arms. Shown how to feed her, I was then left alone to nurse my little girl....she smelt like nothing else I'd ever smelled and I loved her, with all my heart. When it was my turn to be cleaned up, she was whisked away from my arms again, every second she was gone I longed to see her again, to hold her close, to gently feel her soft skin, a peaches & cream complexion, the fingers those tiny fingers that immediately clasped mine, I stared deep into her eyes, and she held me in a trance, for hours. I longed for feed times, for bath times, for 'our time'...I still long for her. God bless this child Lord, and may she be happy today, wherever she may be.